When Teens Say ‘I’m Fine’: How to Talk to Your Teen
We’ve all heard it before, the notorious “I’m fine,” sometimes whispered, occasionally with a terse nod, or maybe even a level of exasperation. This can be especially difficult when we know that the person in question is decidedly, not fine. So then what as parents can you do when your teen maintains that they are okay, especially when it comes to their mental health?
Teen Mental Health Warning Signs
- Withdrawing from previously loved activities
- Easily irritable
- Lack of motivation
- Changes in sleep and appetite
- Negative self-talk
Starting the Conversation
So you want to talk to your teen… but every time you try you are met with groans, silence, or maybe them walking away. Maybe you want to talk to them but have no clue how to even begin a conversation like this. Having an honest conversation about mental health can be nerve-wracking for you and your teen! So what do we do?
- Talk in a neutral zone. Walking into your teen’s room and beginning the conversation is likely going to be met with defensiveness or reluctance to talk because you are in their space. Talking in the car can also be difficult, as the time frame in the car is likely shorter, and you cannot give your full attention and care while also obeying the rules of the road. Go to neutral zones can be the kitchen, living room, or even the yard!
- Open up the conversation with an observation or soft opening, for example “I have noticed that you have been quieter than usual lately,” or “I would like to check in with you about how you are doing.”
- BE PATIENT! Your teen may not respond right away, or they may immediately shut you down. Let them open up on their own time, pushing for an answer is not going to help either one of you.
- When you talk to your teen, your goal isn’t to fix the problem, but to create space for them to feel heard.
What to say and what NOT to say
- DO: Validate their emotions. You don’t have to agree, your job is simply to provide support. Examples: “That sounds really hard,” “It sounds like you’ve been feeling really (insert emotion used here)” or “I can understand why that would be upsetting.”
- DON’T: give answers or advice You are listening, not fixing. It can be hard to open up, so let them lead the conversation.
- DO: ask how you can help. They may respond with “I don’t know,” but asking them what they need and want from you gives them the reassurance that you care and are truly listening.
- DON’T: tell them to get over it or that they are overreacting. Hint: they may already feel that way about themselves and do not need to hear it from anyone else.
- DO: Thank them for opening up and trusting you with their vulnerability. Examples: “Thank you for sharing that with me, I am sure that was hard to do.” or “I am proud of you for opening up and being vulnerable with me, I know that is not an easy thing to do.”
- DON’T: get defensive. They may share feelings about you or other family members and it can be easy to feel hurt and get defensive or argue about points of view. Becoming defensive is likely going to end the conversation early or lead your teen to stop sharing as openly.
What to Do After You Talk to Your Teen
- Follow through! If your teen confides in you and asks for your support, one of the most important things you can do is follow through with what they asked for. Maybe they said they want you to check in more, maybe you have a new codeword for when they are feeling really depressed. No matter what was discussed, showing up consistently can help show you care.
- Check in frequently! The more we talk, the easier it gets, especially if we focus on support without judgement!
- Get extra support! If your teen shares feelings that you feel are out of your comfort zone or knowledge as a parent, seek out extra support. Thankfully the wonderful therapists here at Indy Child Therapist can help with this 😉
Key Takeaways
- Take note of what warning signs you see in your teen.
- Talk in a neutral zone and approach the conversation with as little judgement and as much support as possible
- Remember, the conversation is about them and their feelings. Your job is listening, not fixing or arguing (this is the hardest step!)
- Follow through! This shows your teen you are doing not just saying
- Ask for help. Nobody has all of the answers, sometimes we all need an extra hand!